Here are this week’s explorations:

Watch some media that centers on earnest characters. Christmas movies and cheesy love movies are often good examples, as is Steven Universe, My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic, Jane the Virgin, and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Find a character you admire for their uncoolness and see if you can channel them this week.

- i have not seen most of those and don't at this time have time for that, however i think i'll ask hubs to get MLPFIM so i can rewatch the early seasons and catch the later ones

What are the things you like that you get nervous to talk about publicly? Why? What would it be like to just own it, out there, in front of everyone?

- everything, humans make me nervous, not sure why, i black out when i give talks, even when passionate about soemthing and i'm proud to be known for it

Read Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown which is all about the difference between fitting in and true belonging and how to start choosing true belonging in our lives.

- adding to todo list

Sit down with your journal and write about any times you remember being told that you shouldn’t like what you like, or where you felt pressured to let go of your earnest enjoyment. What was that like for you? What do you wish you’d had someone tell you about that?

- i can't recall any? well, occasionally people about tech or porn or whatever but i never much minded other people's opinions

Put together a playlist of your favorite uncool songs, the playlist that you worry someone would make fun of you for if you put it on in the car. Then, blast it as loud as you enjoy and dance around to it! Dance silly, dance playfully, dance all that genuine enjoyment all the way through your body.

- zero dancing but i unabashedly listen to taylor swift and country?

When you have some privacy and time, sit down with your journal and think back to a time where you were made fun of for what you like. Notice what that feels like in your body. Now think about something you get joy from, tap into your earnest core. Notice what that feels like in your body. Where in your body do you experience the shame and fear and cynicism? Where do you notice your sweetness and joy?

- to do i guess

Draw/paint/craft two images, one of the person you’re trying to be when you try to fit in and be cool, and one of who you are deep in your squishy, earnest, joyful, childlike core. Do you use different colors? Shapes? Do you have more or less precision in one or the other? When one is easier for you to visualize?

- i dont' draw i can't even stickfigure

Write a letter to someone who made you feel bad for liking something. What would you say to them?

- can not recall any specific humans

As we’ve done before, set yourself 2 chairs. In one chair, I want you to be your deep, sweet, genuine, earnest self, in the other I want you to be the person you think you need to be to fit in. Try having a conversation between these two parts. What are the goals for each of them? What are their fears? What healing do they want from each other? How can we honor both of these aspects and then decide how to balance them moving forward?

- i have given up on that long ago

What do you not let yourself do because you’re worried you’re bad at it? This week, try doing it anyway! Can you do it for the enjoyment of it? Can you do it without having to be good at it?

- art, dancing, everything? and ugh i guess maybe later? i don't waste time doing things i am bad at because it's frustrating. in other cases where i want to improve and think i can, i try and do sometimes readch acceptable (see cooking)

Here are this week’s explorations:

Find the item in your home you’ve been saving for a “special occasion,” be it food/drink, clothes, whatever. Decide when this week is your special occasion, and let yourself really, really enjoy that pleasure. Notice what fears/thoughts come up for you around it. Notice how your body feels while you indulge in your “special occasion.” If you’d like you can journal or make art about this experience

- i have dresses for such but in general i avoid having special occasion items as you can just die at any time. and i do wear the dresses, and wreck them, annually

Put on music that taps into your pleasure and let your body tell you how it wants to move. To get started, it might be easiest to lay down and just breathe while the music washes over you, tuning into your body. It might also be helpful to let your hands roam your body, seeing what kinds of touch feel good. Remember that there are no right or wrong ways to move as long as you’re listening to your body. Even if you think you might look ridiculous, that’s fine! No one cares. Your body wants to move like that for a reason

- no

While eating or drinking something, try to slow down and really notice every aspect of it. How does it smell? How does it feel? What’s the sound you hear as you consume it? What does it taste like? How does it look? Tap into all five senses and slow way down.

- i took the week to try new recipes, i found them mostly bland or not exciting but it was nice to change things up

Get out your 2 chairs again for a conversation with parts of yourself. In one chair, embody your inner hedonist, in the other act out the part of you that is “responsible” or “practical.” What do these parts have to tell each other? What lessons do they each have for the other? What fears do they have? How can we help them find understanding for each other and space for both?

- no sure i have a pleasure seeking side? i have a side that wants to spend all the money and get all the toys but i need to keep that one in check

Is there something you enjoy doing that isn’t useful or that you aren’t good at or that isn’t necessarily helping you achieve any goals or finish any to-do list items? What if you did it this week just because you enjoy it?

- no time this week has been busy - i did it during the play week and a few weeks back where i assembled a lego, that was nice

What textures do you most enjoy feeling? Spend some time this week diving into those textures and noticing every bit of pleasure coming from your nerve endings. Let yourself be wrapped up in all the sensation and enjoyment, milk it for every moment, and touch, that you can

- super soft stuff, sadly i worse my super soft jammies and they fluffed all over the house like grey snow :(

Draw/paint/craft something that represents your pleasure. Maybe it’s how you imagine your pleasure would look if it were a creature/entity, maybe it’s about your relationship to your pleasure, maybe it’s just a collection/collage of things that bring you pleasure. Hang it up somewhere you’ll see it every day

- no

If you have a lover you’re seeing these days, ask them if they’d like to trade pleasure focused dates where, for each date, one of you is the pleasure master. The pleasure master for each date gets to do or make requests of their partner that are solely about the pleasure master’s pleasure (with consent, of course!). This could mean going down on your partner if you love the feel of their genitals in your face, or tapping into your inner pillow princess and telling them exactly how to fuck you. See how selfish you can let yourself be and get rid of any expectation of reciprocation for that date (after all, you’ll each get your own date as pleasure master). This could also include food, beverages, activities, media, anything that will amplify the pleasure master’s pleasure.

- perhaps next week, i don't like to be bossy though

Try journaling about play! Before you play, write down how you’re feeling, how your body is feeling, what your stress level is at. Check back in about these same factors after play

- didn't seem to change much and from siting (coloring) my legs hurt

What are some big ways to play? Have you tried dressing up, dancing, tag, hide and seek, racing, making funny faces, making funny sounds, free-form arts/crafts?

- i went ahead and did some coloring books, that was a nice break

What are some small ways to play? How can you incorporate play into the tasks of your normal life? Maybe it’s putting on music to wash the dishes, trying a new way to fold clothes, replacing the word “now” with “meow,” taking a quick break during work to shake your body and blow raspberries, finding a funny GIF for each conversation you’re having.

-i do tend to listen to books with chores but stopped when it was too hard to follow along with my brain being so overloaded

Take selfies of the funniest faces you can make

-did that and it ended up hubbies image for me now, great

Challenge a friend to a silly selfie contest to see who can take the silliest selfie

-not anyone i would do this with?
----

Who do you know in your life who you describe as playful? Pretend you’re them and do what you imagine they would do

- i can't ... maybe Avi? but i don't have that kind of energy

Put on the wackiest outfit you can imagine, put on a ridiculous makeup look, and do a photoshoot

- no

Is there something you’ve been denying yourself or waiting to “earn” that might increase your ability to tap into play? Do you still need to wait?

- i try to hold off on things but then end up doing them and feeling guilty

Is there a toy or game you enjoy? Spend some quality time with it! There’s no age limit on toys

- I do spend time on my switch, and D&D with friends online, but i can't play most of my board games as my husband doesn't want to and who else can i during a pandemic

If you have someone you trust, experiment with ways of touching each other that feel playful. What feels playful to you? To them?

- no

Were you told you’re too old to play? If so, take some time to journal about that experience and what you felt. Then, imagine what you would tell past you about play

- no

Think back to when you were young - what play did you most enjoy? Can you try that now?

- watching TV, action figures, console games - 2 of the 3 i do (although not many shows i am excited about anymore)

If you have children in your life, watch them playing. What can you learn from how they play? How do they interact with each other and with the objects and space around them?

- not applicable

What songs feel like play for you? Make a playlist (heheheh, pun intended) and notice how they affect you

- not applicable

Sit down and write out all the things you want. They don’t have to be realistic or doable or even things you’d choose to follow, we just want to get them out of the back of your brain.

- I think i want the house to be fixed up and the shed with tools, and a place in the states and more time in the states, convince husband to move to the states, travel to see friends, travel to see family's, travel to see world, secure retirement, less broken body, i want to retire and spend time traveling and seeing people and helping where i can and doing random research and reading.

Imagine what your desire/wanting looks like and write a description or draw it. I imagine my desire as a storm spirit that uses a cloudy substance to shapeshift into different wild animals and humanoid forms. What does yours look like?

- ???

What is the story you have about wanting? Where did you learn it? Journal about this and let yourself dive into the memories and feelings of wanting and having wants be denied.

- i don't know

What do you notice in your body when you want? Are there different sensations depending on the kind of want?

- my head and chest?

What are the desires you are most afraid to honor and acknowledge? Why?

- i don't know

Put together a playlist of songs that evoke desire in you. This can be sexual desire, material desire, intimate/emotional desire, any kind of desire you can come up with.

- nope

What does desire look like as a dance? How would you move your body to embody want?

- nope

Make a collage dedicated to your wants/desires. Maybe this is a vision board, maybe it’s dreams, whatever feels right for you.

- nope

Draw/paint/craft something that represents your wants and desires.

- nope

Sit down with a friend and alternate sharing desires with each other. As you share, try to feel that desire deeply. As you listen, try to find a space of excitement and support for the desire. Notice what it’s like to just say it and not judge or be judged.

- nope

Can you think of a character from a book/show/movie/play that lets themselves dive into their desires (and isn’t punished for it)? If so, dive into that story and put yourself in that character’s shoes.

- nope

Pick one of your desires that you don’t know you COULD achieve/receive and write a story where you DO achieve/receive it. Try to include as many details as possible and pay attention to what happens in your body as you write it.

- to try another time?

What are you beating yourself up about? Think back over the last week and write down all the instances you can remember where you chose to treat yourself with harshness. Or, spend the next 24 hours taking down a note every time you berate yourself. You may be shocked to see how often this happens (or you might not). If, like me, you have a history of abusive relationships, you may find yourself doing this so often it’s hard to even notice, or hard to find times you aren’t doing it.

Sleeping too much, not getting things on my list done, not exercising ...

Explorations for the week:

Think back to the first time you can remember feeling like you had to beat yourself up when you mess up. Who taught you this lesson? How old were you? If you were looking at someone in your situation at that time, what would you tell them instead?

Always? there was never a before. Probably my mom, she is a superwoman who got everything done, perfectly, always. I guess telling others and myself we all have what we can, and can't do, and not everyone is a super human

Write out a series of grace and forgiveness mantras to carry with you. Some examples are: What is done is done, I can only choose what I do now; I deserve love and caring even when I mess up; I cannot shame myself into being better, so I choose to be kind to myself; I can choose grace rather than replicating the abuse I learned; I messed up! That happens. Now what?

i can't keep track of anything in the house and don't leave the house not sure this is going to work?

What images or colors make you think of forgiveness and grace? Make a collage or Pinterest board and be sure to look at it multiple times a day

i can't say i associate a color or image....

What songs can you find that help you tap into forgiveness? Create a playlist and listen to it when you find yourself falling back into shaming and blaming.

searching... offhand only songs that come to mind are vengeance and murder...
https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLnKArqyCLbw7eVWwRe71dehdlJOm-JPw8

What movies or TV Shows can you think of that handle themes of forgiveness or grace well? What books have good examples?

sugggested "beautiful day in the neighboorhood"
TV wise, Rectify does an amazing job of handling the topic of rebirth and redemption as well as forgiveness. Books, Denis Johnson, Jesus' Son and Saul Bellow, Herzog, off the top of my head
The art of happiness
s tomind

If you haven’t read Brene Brown’s books, this might be a good week to dive into Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, or Braving the Wilderness

Apparently i started but didn't finish brene brown's daring greatly, i feel like i had finished it. i guess i'll listen to it added others to list. finished but need to relook as it was audio and i lost some.

Another good book for this week is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner (it is written primarily for women, generally cis women, though has a lot of applicable info for anyone who received girl/woman/feminine socialization)

added to book wish list

Journal about what you have trouble finding forgiveness and grace for when it comes to yourself. What are the parts of you, or the choices from your past, that you struggle to forgive or accept? Write about them and notice when did this start, why did you learn to hold onto it, what would it take to allow yourself forgiveness/grace here? If you can’t imagine anything you can do to earn your own forgiveness/grace, why is that?

inability to complete projects i set for myself, as well as for others
sleeping too much
over volunteering
not being smart enough
not getting the books i want to read read, or the magazines, or games
not exercising
not eating healthier
not getting my body and brain fixed
Always
because i keep doing it
i need to learn to expect less of myself because i am not that good, but also to set aside time for what is needed (health) and learn to say no, which seems selfish
i can't because i expect and hope for more of myself, i disappoint myself

Where in your body do you feel yourself holding onto the things you cannot forgive or grant grace? Put on some music that speaks to your heart and touch those places. Experiment with moving your body in ways that shifts and moves those spaces. What does it take to let them release even a little?

my brain? my chest? my gut?
i don't dance? i don't feel from music?

If you have a person you trust, ask them to sit with you for a conversation about the things you beat yourself up about. For this exercise, give them background about what you hold onto and what you tell yourself about it. Have them play the voice of you berating yourself while you talk to that piece about why it is reluctant to allow forgiveness and grace. See if you can find the kindness in yourself while you speak to that piece through someone else

i don't

Are there specific people who taught you to treat yourself this way? If so, try writing them a letter (that you’ll never send) talking about how that lesson has impacted you. Don’t hold back! Be open about what you feel and how it has changed things for you.

my mother.

If you enjoy meditation, sit and meditate on the idea of grace. Notice what comes up for you when you imagine practicing grace with yourself. See if you can soften the places that react against the idea of grace.

I do not

Fine this too why not

https://www.calm.com/blog/end-of-year-journal?utm_medium=email&utm_source=lifecycle&utm_campaign=newreleases_01042021_personalized

2020 Reflections

What challenges did you face?
-Hubs unemployed, COVID, no credit rating in canada, overworking myself outside of work and sometimes at work, burnout
What lessons did you learn?
-none?
How did you grow?
-i didn't?
How did your heart break?
-it didn't. but one partner did die, a grandparent died, and we had to put my cat down.
How did your heart open?
-it didn't
What do you want to remember?
-not one damn thing
What do you want to celebrate?
-surviving
Notice what arises for you as you scroll back through 2020. As the memories and insights come forth, take a moment to honor all that has happened over these past 12 months. And, then begin to look forward.

2021 Intentions

How do you want to approach 2021?
-with the goal to make myself better. to jump on any chance i can.
What qualities do you want to cultivate?
-i would love to learn to work only 8 hours, but work hard for 8 hours, but i've been failing at this my whole life. and to not overcommit. saying no.
What do you want to let go of?
-i don't know
How do you want to grow?
-figure out if i have emotions and how to understand them. also how to understand what my body wants (i never know why it hurts)
How do you want to take care of yourself?
-once covid is over find a new eye dr, and get my joints looked at, i should exercise, perhaps check pre-diabetic stuff, maybe get tested for add or adhd, see a therapist if there is money.
How will you commit to yourself?
-i won't, and i'll get angry at myself for failing to improve
Where will you pour your attention?
-whatever shiny thing catches my attention
What habits or practices nourish you?
-no idea
As you open to the possibilities of the year to come, take another moment to notice any feelings that are coming up for you. Thank yourself for going inward and connecting with yourself in this way.

Homework from my NYE class with Dr Liz Powell

Write a letter to yourself as though from a beloved friend about how they perceive you and your body

friends and the internet don't say much, they like it, they enjoy it, they have favorite parts, the miss it, but thats all people have said to me, not sure i can say anything nicer.

Put together a playlist of songs that make you want to feel your body. Set yourself up in a room with lighting that feels good for you and some clothes or textile items that feel really good to touch. Before you start, write a few notes about how you feel about your body. Spend at least 15 minutes listening to the music, touching your body, moving around, and just experiencing the body you’re in; if you can go longer, even better! When you’re done, write down a few notes about what you feel about your body now.

i can not think of an instance where music ever compelled me to want to touch myself. very soft fuzzy fabrics make me want to snuggle and pet them. there is no way i can spend 15 minutes touching myself.
Songs like this make me want to dance. only i can't dance. https://music.youtube.com/channel/UC4D96Igir4UZVN5ixlA4WPg

If you have a voice that points out what’s “wrong” with your body, see if you can give that voice a name. What does that voice look like? Where did they come from? Then see if you can invite that voice to sit down with you for a conversation. What does that voice want for you? Why does it talk to you how it does? Tell the voice how its words impact you. Let it know how you feel when it shows up. Sometimes this exercise is easier if you set up two chairs for yourself and when you sit in one you’re the voice and when you sit in the other you’re you. Feel free to journal about this as well.

it's my voice. it's me. it looks like me.it comes from things doctors and family and partners and friends and society have said or i have heard and seen. it wants me to be healthier, stronger, better, happier. it talks to me because i get overwhelmed and give up, or stop caring, and avoid and don't do. it impacts me by stressing me out and driving me to food for comfort or to stress sleep. i feel sad when it shows up, and guilty, and stressed.

When you look back on your life, when do you think you were the closest to your current “should” self? Did you think you were at your “should” self during that time? Why or why not? What does this tell you about your “should” self now?

Never? College I was the right weight. A few years ago i was consistently exercising. I've never been able to do everything i was supposed to or wanted to, i've never been smart enough, good enough, balanced enough.

Ask a friend to write you a letter/send you a voice message/send you a video message about how they perceive you and your body

i don't feel close enough to anyone to do this

Look at your Instagram feed and see how many people you follow who have bodies similar to yours. What do you notice?

I rarely instagram, logged in to look specifically - many skinnier, but mostly cats and projects, and kids, and friends trying to love their (transitioning) bodies. i notice many friends are into running and fitness and outdoors and i am not. i notice many friends have cats and dogs and kids.

Follow some fat activist accounts on Instagram - @LizzoBeEating, @YrFatFriend, @TessHolliday, @EffYourBeautyStandards

They all seem comfortable with their bodies, i am envious of that, and they are confident and that looks good. not sure what i am supposed to get?

Read The Body is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

Added to wishlist. i have too many books i can't force myself to read, my attention is shot. https://beta.readng.co/user/amazonv/collection/to-read

Watch Dumplin, Shrill, or any Lizzo videos

I assume https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dumplin%27_(film) which i don't have
I assume https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SB2i0fuSMRI which i don't have
listened to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmbmeOgWsqE and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaCrQL_8eMY&ab_channel=LizzoMusic and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Srq1FqFPwj0 not sure what i was supposed to come away with

Find images that remind you of your current perception of yourself, your “should” self, and your wishes. Where do you find the most joy?

not even sure where to look - current burnt out, fat, should, skinnier, more awake and not so distracted and useless
wishes, not sure
joy, when i am not me, like doing ACNH or reading, but then after it's worse because i am more behind

If you have someone you trust, ask them to touch your body while describing you. They can describe your physical body, your mind, your heart, your spirit, whatever they like. Your job is to listen and accept what they are saying as truth, or at least their truth.

nope

Ask friends to join you in a group chat where you share sexy pictures of yourselves. Take a bunch of pictures and see how they react to them. What do they say about how you look? How does it compare to what you thought?

already have a whole mewe group for this and everyone is always positive and likes them, friends are different than internet trolls, didn't expect anything else

If you don’t have clothes that feel good on your body, buy some! The number on the tag matters less than how your body feels.

not applicable been living in pajamas since this all started

Sketch/collage/craft about your "should" self, your current perception, and your wishes. Which of these artworks brings you joy? In what ways? Which parts are hard for you to put into art?

i am not artistic

Reading:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/your-body-is-not-your-masterpiece_b_5586341

Where are you in your Body?
When I think of my body, what comes to mind?

What of my body do I tend to ignore?

How would I describe my relationship with my body right now?

Pain
uncomfortable
itchy
need to lose 5 lbs
exhausted
broken
defective

I ignore the ability to enjoy and have fun

I drag my body along and force it to do what i want and need. I don't understand why it's broken, or why it feels certain ways. I try to get it fixed but there is never a quick fix, and it rarely helps, and i don't do the upkeep.

How are you perceiving your feeling self?

Are you distant from it? Overwhelmed by it?

overwhelmed, burnt out, disappointed
numb, empty, void, disconnected, not present, angry, annoyed, impatient

What is your relationship like with your heart/feelings?

What is your current perception of your expanded self, the parts of you that are connected to something larger than yourself

How has your expanded self been affected by this year?

What is your relationship like right now with your expanded self?

i try to be a member of the community and helpful and have friends
i can't
some people recognize me, sometimes
some people seem to care

but how many do?
do i really have any close friends anymore?
am i really helping?
am i doing enough?
is it worth it when so many just take? or when so many others give so much and i can never be as useful as they are.

even if i am helping is it burning me out? do i know how to participate without burning out? do i know how to make boundaries for myself? for others?

is infosec really my people? or do i just want it to be? do i belong? where do i belong?

I feel like i am so bad at maintaining connections, i'm a terrible friend

The relationship you want to have in 6 weeks with yourself as a result of the course

More cooperative with my body, work with it
better in touch with my body and what it wants and needs
maybe figure out if i do have emotions
perhaps a realistic schedule to balance work, life, and commitments?
Find a way to coerce myself to be healthier and perhaps happier?

Reading:

life is NOT a journey

https://youtu.be/rBpaUICxEhk

10Q
Day 10

Question: When September 2021 rolls around and you receive your answers to your 10Q questions, how do you think you'll feel? What do you think/hope might be different about your life and where you're at as a result of thinking about and answering these questions?

Answer:
Hopefully relived the world is no longer like it was and we've made it into the recovery phase. I may be depressed nothing much has changed or things have gotten worse but I hope that isn't the case.

I would like to think we will have had our wedding, not hopeful though, and i would like to hope i have lost weight and am less depressed, again not hopeful.

Not sure there will be marked changes as a result of doing this, but i do like taking the chance to reflect as often i am just in gogogo mode

Supplemental Question: Six months from now, do you think that you'll look back on the time before the COVID-19 pandemic and feel irrevocably changed, or do you think you'll return to the person you were before? Which changes do you hope remain? Which do you wish will disappear?

Answer:
i would like to think i leave the house more, i am not sure covid has changed me much, the blatant and unescapeable authoritarianism and racism though, perhaps they boiled over due to covid, but they have always been there, i hope we make progress there and that doens't revert.

End qualified immunity
end civil asset forfeiture
legalize all drugs
decriminalize sex work
defund the police
fund universal healthcare (with dental and vision)
normalize mask use
removal all anti-mask laws

10Q
Bonus

Question:
What are your predictions for the coming year?

Answer:
I don't know. if 2020 proved anything it's that humans can and will do the same terrible "never again" thing over and over, things you think would be impossible are possible we're terrible at predicting the future, and things can always get worse at an astonishingly fast rate.

Supplemental Question: What's Your Six-Word Memoir on Life during Coronatime?

Answer:
I miss my partners, family, friends.

10Q
Day 9

Question: What is a fear that you have and how has it limited you? How do you plan on letting it go or overcoming it in the coming year?

Answer:
Not sure, really just not sure.

Supplemental Question: Since the COVID-19 pandemic began what is your greatest fear? What is your greatest hope?

Answer:
Catching covid and the unknown long term effects. My fear is how... anti-science people ended up being and how easy to sway (with misinformation). I hope Trump is voted out and it is a peaceful transition and he doesn't attack the US or anyone (with kinetic force) between Nov and Jan.

10Q
Day 8
Question:

Is there something (a person, a cause, an idea) that you want to investigate more fully in the coming year?

Answer:
I am going to continue with anti-racist reading and such. But in general I don't know what is coming in the next year. Election security and misinformation campaigns I feel will continue to be a big topic.

Supplemental Question: Is there something (a person, a cause, an idea) that you want to investigate more fully as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic?

Answer:

Not as a result of covid?

10Q
Day 7

Question: How would you like to improve yourself and your life next year? Is there a piece of advice or counsel you received in the past year that could guide you?

Answer:

I should lose weight, I would like to get back to better on committing to less and over-booking myself less.

Supplemental Question: As society reopens and you reemerge, how would you like to see society shifting in the coming months? Or would you like it simply to go back to the way it was pre-COVID-19 pandemic?

Answer:

I would like things to mostly go back to pre-COVID (shopping, social gatherings!)
but
we *should* (but likely) didn't learn the following lessons which I feel should change
-everyone needs healthcare (healthcare should include eyes and teeth but i'll fight that another day if we can start with this) healthcare needs to include mental health
-better financial safety nets and process (UBI and unemployment and easier to halt evictions and mortgages in emergencies)
-find ways to better guarantee everyone food, safe shelter, internet, utilities, and access to phone and computers
-pay essential workers better (teachers, delivery drivers, grocery store workers, meat plant processing, etc)
-end qualified immunity
-end civil asset forfeiture
-defund the police (still have police, less militarized, less of, fund social work and mental health care and harm reduction etc better)
-don't rely on people being good, have our checks and balances system in government in the USA work

10Q

Day 6

Question: Describe one thing you'd like to achieve by this time next year. Why is this important to you?

Myself? I don't know? Collectively? A new home office setup, a new livingroom window, having visited partners, friends and family, gotten a covid vaccine, had a wedding party. It's important because I am sick of being home, and I miss people, and I really want a party, and I want to improve the home each year.

I should also lose weight but i hate restricting my eating and i hate exercising.

Answer:

Supplemental Question: As a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, what is one thing that you find yourself reassessing in terms of the future? (For example, personal relationships/ your relationship with money / with Work / with technology/ the media / body image / with your kids/ family members)

Answer:

I think I suck at maintaining relationships? out of site, out of mind?

10Q
Day 5

Question: Have you had any particularly spiritual experiences this past year? How has this experience affected you? "Spiritual" can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth.

Answer:
No, but my frustration with the lack of treating humans well has been unescapable thanks to BLM. Some humans get killed, for no reason. We don't provide, as a society for peoples basic needs (medical care, dental care, eye care, mental healthcare, food, quality education).

Supplemental Question: Has the COVID-19 pandemic led to any spiritual moments of significance for you? (“Spiritual” can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth. Something that brought you a sense of Awe)

Answer:
no

10Q
Day4
Question: Describe an event in the world that has impacted you this year. How? Why?

Answer: For me, COVID-19. I was luck enough to not be impacted by hurricanes, tornadoes, fires, or earthquakes. It has made me stay in one place, not travel, miss family and friends, and be very stressed and depressed.

Supplemental Question: Have you been recording your thoughts and experiences during the COVID-19 pandemic? If so, how?

Answer: I have not, I almost wish I had, I have been following https://whatthefuckjusthappenedtoday.com/ - but does anyone have a full list of companies that were assholes or good?

i did makes some notes early on with the shortages - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pxIrG95DnLDzYvOYqXKATVX2NZRXPz6Tvb-AL-chD9c/edit but gave up after a bit

10 Q
Day 3

Question
Think about a major milestone that happened with your family this past year. How has this affected you?

Answer

I got married. It made me move to Canada, which I am not thrilled about, but he wouldn't move to the states.
I miss my parents, I miss my friends, thanks to covid killing travel i haven't seen them.
COVID also has overwhelmed me and I am generally bad with keeping up with friends without event reminders, and now it's just worse, I have fallen out of touch with so many people, and i just doomscroll, and often avoid responding to messages because it takes thinking.

Supplemental Question: How has the COVID-19 pandemic experience affected your relationships with your family members, near and far?

Answer

Most of my family was disowned by last year, so really whats left is my parents. And I miss my mom. I used to see them very often, and now it's been 6 months. I hate it. Also because of timezones and such we even talk on the phone less, and me sleeping so much so often.

10Q

Day 2

Question
Is there something that you wish you had done differently this past year? Alternatively, is there something you're especially proud of from this past year?

Answer

I can't think of anything I would have done different knowing what i knew at the times i did everything.

I am happy to have pulled off what I hope was a very successful Diana Initiative 2020 virtual event, and joined the board.

Supplemental Question: What was your main New Year's resolution or personal goal at the beginning of 2020? What do you think of that goal now? Does it still seem relevant? Does it seem trivial? Does it seem distant?

Answer
I don't seem to have bothered with new years resolutions?
Anything I would have tried for would have seemed distant and from ages ago with how long this year had been.

Day 1
Question: Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you? Are you grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired?
Answer:

the last year recap

Pre-Rosh Hashanah

The last derbycon (still haven't gotten my black badge)

Cross country road trip, grateful

BSidesEdmonton speaker (video never released), meh

Defendcon, was awesome, grateful

Post-Rosh Hashanah

Meeting render's grandmother

Shellcon speaker and time with Zach, grateful though next time more time after than before

Canadian Thanksgiving is nothing like US thanksgiving

BSidesDC speaker, enjoyed seeing friends

My wedding https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YG9YkaVJ3Pk glad he finally gave in, though he's revised the story in his head

Getting really into pokemon go and animal crossing new horizons, then forgetting they existed when i got busy

Road trip adventure to montana to export and import my car with my father in law, relieved it's over, perhaps i should have sold and repurchased but it allowed me to do the road trip and bring rex the dinosaur into canada

Importing everything i owned, relieved it's over

Nearly wanting a divorce at the way he reacted to my stuff arriving

Still being angry knowing how much stuff was intentionally, and unintentionally trashed by him

Being home for US thanksgiving and friendsgiving with Anna, grateful

AWS in las vegas and cleaning up the storage unit

Scotland with mylan and yaffa for new years, grateful

Shmoocon, wish we had seen more friends, never enough time

Time in LA for Gallifrey and seeing mom, not realizing this would be the last time of the before times

Picking up a local D&D group

Slacks so many surgeries, and her passing, sad we didn't get a second opinion earlier and we couldn't help her

Running a D&D campaign

Canceled trips to lake tahoe (linux foundation summit speaker), prague, amsterdam, sweeden, alaska (disney cruise honeymoon)

COVID, lockdown, now at 7 months of only leaving for dentist, groceries, apple warranty repair

The new things that popped up in the space - #FancyFriday with Alyssa, Cocktail Con with Johnny and Carl, Hacker Tea with Lawyer Liz

New roof

Having to delay our wedding

HOPE, GenCon, BlackHat, HackerOne, Defcon virtual, not the same, I ran a little Hacker Prom and render won jeopardy again

Diana Initiative as co-COO, so exhausting and 2 whole weeks before spent 24/7

Render losing his job, again

Today, the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, devastated

I think in general though whats the things the most impacting?

COVID, Trump, BLM protests and their lack of progress against the system, still angry about the way render handled my stuff in storage and when it arrived. i'm run down, exhausted, burnt out, depressed, and so is everyone else. It's been blow after blow this year of things we would all have prior thought unthinkable, improbable, impossible. But, apparently there are no checks and balances.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2020

https://nypost.com/list/major-2020-events/

https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2020/07/world/2020-year-in-review-july/

that doesn't include murder hornets, the many hurricanes this month (nearly record setting), colorado being both on fire and snowing, the near record wildfires in the western USA

Supplemental Question: Describe an experience from before the COVID-19 pandemic that may now feel like it belongs to another world entirely. When you think about it, how do you feel?
Answer:
Anything, everything, is part of the "before times" - I am not sure things will ever go back, and I miss them. Unlimited cheap international travel, seeing friends, sharing drinks and food, not wearing masks, getting my hair and nails done, eating in restaurants. I am exhausted and depressed.

My thoughts

For those fighting for or against certain term changes like blacklist / whitelist and master / slave, here is my argument for changing terms.

Humans build our automatic responses unconsciously, based on what we hear,see, and read. Words matter. Over time, they add up, / creating structures that harm certain groups or individuals.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_(psychology)

“Schemata influence attention and the absorption of new knowledge: people are more likely to notice things that fit into their schema, while re-interpreting contradictions to the schema as exceptions or distorting them to fit.”

“Further work on the concept of schemata was conducted by W.F. Brewer and J.C. Treyens, who demonstrated that the schema-driven expectation of the presence of an object was sometimes sufficient to trigger its erroneous recollection. An experiment was conducted where participants were requested to wait in a room identified as an academic's study and were later asked about the room's contents. A number of the participants recalled having seen books in the study whereas none were present”

Terms like “blacklist” are harmful. The harm isn’t about the color “black”, any overt racist intention, racist history, or racist etymology. (Those can be debated but are not relevant here.) The harm comes because certain terms, regardless of their origin, build up history and contribute to unconscious associations. This history and association remain even when words shift usage over time.The harm comes because “black” is linked with “bad,” or “denied,” or “criminal” - over and over and over. While this problem can’t be fixed with word choice changes alone, choosing non-loaded terms is ONE element of removing negative societal buildup.

For example, when you hear "representation matters," it matters because once people see something, it becomes in their mind a thing to consider. The entire arts of split testing and marketing are built upon the idea that subtle changes to imagery and word choice can influence people's behavior.

Still, many people insist that words like “blacklist” and “whitelist” have zero possible effect on people. Hopefully, if the above does not influence your thoughts on the word choices the below thoughts around their use in software specifically are another point to consider.

Code Specific Thoughts:

In many cases, alternate terms can be more descriptive, more precise, and also better translate across human languages.

In open source projects, you want the largest and most diverse group of people contributing as possible. When people from different countries and backgrounds, and speakers of multiple languages feel comfortable using the project, you will discover different markets, use cases, and uses of the project than you will discover alone. By discouraging diversity, your project won’t ever be as good as it could be..

Additional Thoughts

https://twitter.com/synackpse/status/1280161382206509056 "Is the differentiation between the naming being racist from inception, but that it can have unrelated roots but still perpetuate black = bad, white = good via normalization in language. And in those cases, people seem to lose sight of the argument that something can be renamed for that purpose, to reduce that normalization, without having to declare that it's racist or not."

GitLab

My employer has recently embraced changing these terms within our code base and trying to contribute and encourage projects we are dependent on to talk change terms such as “master branch.” We are going to try and choose a new term along with GitHub and Git for consistency. For those complaining this is only a word change, please note this is part of our ongoing effort to improve DIB, and DIB is one of our values. I am hoping to help change minds here on social media, and please do hold us accountable for continuing DIB efforts beyond just verbiage changes.

Resources

I would love to list multiple studies from psychology, marketing, user experience design below that point to how certain things influence human behavior please add comments with them! or @CircuitSwan on twitter

Code Specific Examples (decisions to change as well as those against):

Interested in my generic diversity links:

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Nicky's Journal

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[NYE Week 5] Exploring Pleasure

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This week's exploration: Forgiveness and grace

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calm.com end of year journal

2020 Reflections

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This week's exploration: Perceptions, dreams, and wishes

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Supplemental Question: Six months from now, do you think that you'll look back on the time before the COVID-19 pandemic and feel irrevocably changed, or do you think you'll return to the person you were before? Which changes do you hope remain? Which do you wish will disappear?

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Supplemental Question: What's Your Six-Word Memoir on Life during Coronatime?

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Supplemental Question: Since the COVID-19 pandemic began what is your greatest fear? What is your greatest hope?

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Supplemental Question: Is there something (a person, a cause, an idea) that you want to investigate more fully as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic?

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