amazonv | This week's exploration: Forgiveness and grace (Reply)

What are you beating yourself up about? Think back over the last week and write down all the instances you can remember where you chose to treat yourself with harshness. Or, spend the next 24 hours taking down a note every time you berate yourself. You may be shocked to see how often this happens (or you might not). If, like me, you have a history of abusive relationships, you may find yourself doing this so often it’s hard to even notice, or hard to find times you aren’t doing it.

Sleeping too much, not getting things on my list done, not exercising ...

Explorations for the week:

Think back to the first time you can remember feeling like you had to beat yourself up when you mess up. Who taught you this lesson? How old were you? If you were looking at someone in your situation at that time, what would you tell them instead?

Always? there was never a before. Probably my mom, she is a superwoman who got everything done, perfectly, always. I guess telling others and myself we all have what we can, and can't do, and not everyone is a super human

Write out a series of grace and forgiveness mantras to carry with you. Some examples are: What is done is done, I can only choose what I do now; I deserve love and caring even when I mess up; I cannot shame myself into being better, so I choose to be kind to myself; I can choose grace rather than replicating the abuse I learned; I messed up! That happens. Now what?

i can't keep track of anything in the house and don't leave the house not sure this is going to work?

What images or colors make you think of forgiveness and grace? Make a collage or Pinterest board and be sure to look at it multiple times a day

i can't say i associate a color or image....

What songs can you find that help you tap into forgiveness? Create a playlist and listen to it when you find yourself falling back into shaming and blaming.

searching... offhand only songs that come to mind are vengeance and murder...
https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLnKArqyCLbw7eVWwRe71dehdlJOm-JPw8

What movies or TV Shows can you think of that handle themes of forgiveness or grace well? What books have good examples?

sugggested "beautiful day in the neighboorhood"
TV wise, Rectify does an amazing job of handling the topic of rebirth and redemption as well as forgiveness. Books, Denis Johnson, Jesus' Son and Saul Bellow, Herzog, off the top of my head
The art of happiness
s tomind

If you haven’t read Brene Brown’s books, this might be a good week to dive into Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, or Braving the Wilderness

Apparently i started but didn't finish brene brown's daring greatly, i feel like i had finished it. i guess i'll listen to it added others to list. finished but need to relook as it was audio and i lost some.

Another good book for this week is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner (it is written primarily for women, generally cis women, though has a lot of applicable info for anyone who received girl/woman/feminine socialization)

added to book wish list

Journal about what you have trouble finding forgiveness and grace for when it comes to yourself. What are the parts of you, or the choices from your past, that you struggle to forgive or accept? Write about them and notice when did this start, why did you learn to hold onto it, what would it take to allow yourself forgiveness/grace here? If you can’t imagine anything you can do to earn your own forgiveness/grace, why is that?

inability to complete projects i set for myself, as well as for others
sleeping too much
over volunteering
not being smart enough
not getting the books i want to read read, or the magazines, or games
not exercising
not eating healthier
not getting my body and brain fixed
Always
because i keep doing it
i need to learn to expect less of myself because i am not that good, but also to set aside time for what is needed (health) and learn to say no, which seems selfish
i can't because i expect and hope for more of myself, i disappoint myself

Where in your body do you feel yourself holding onto the things you cannot forgive or grant grace? Put on some music that speaks to your heart and touch those places. Experiment with moving your body in ways that shifts and moves those spaces. What does it take to let them release even a little?

my brain? my chest? my gut?
i don't dance? i don't feel from music?

If you have a person you trust, ask them to sit with you for a conversation about the things you beat yourself up about. For this exercise, give them background about what you hold onto and what you tell yourself about it. Have them play the voice of you berating yourself while you talk to that piece about why it is reluctant to allow forgiveness and grace. See if you can find the kindness in yourself while you speak to that piece through someone else

i don't

Are there specific people who taught you to treat yourself this way? If so, try writing them a letter (that you’ll never send) talking about how that lesson has impacted you. Don’t hold back! Be open about what you feel and how it has changed things for you.

my mother.

If you enjoy meditation, sit and meditate on the idea of grace. Notice what comes up for you when you imagine practicing grace with yourself. See if you can soften the places that react against the idea of grace.